Category Archives: The Adventures of the Sulky Slut

The Adventures of the Sulky Slut – Part 8

Part 8

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew had wandered off in different groups throughout the Port. After a while, Senys realized that he was no longer walking with his crewmates, but with a different (and yet oddly similar) group altogether. He turned a street corner underneath a sign that promised “Cold Beers”. As he rounded the edge of the building, he bumped into something small and round. Thinking it was an obese child, he looked down, and screamed in alarm.

The thing screamed back. “Good heavens. Pardon me, good sir,” it said. It was a small bearlike creature with weirdly marble-like eyes and tawny fur. It wore a gray vest with gold buttons, an aviator’s cap, and a monocle. It wore no pants.

“What the eff?” Senys blurted out, wide-eyed.

“My goodness. How impossibly rude.”

“Uh…” Senys looked around. “Is anyone else seeing this?” he said. A woman who was walking by looked their way, and tripped over a potted plant. Senys looked back to the small furry thing.

“My apologies for running into you, sir. Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Ostorio St. Lugamond.” He bowed.

“Why aren’t you wearing any pants?” was all Senys could say in return.

“I beg your pardon, sir, but my kind do not need to wear pants. Pants are for furless, naked things such as yourself,” Ostorio said, his voice dripping with disdain.

“Then why are you wearing a vest?”

Ostorio chuckled and adjusted his monocle. “Why, because… I… well… that is enough of your rude and silly questions. Now, I must be going. I have a space dirigible to catch,” he said with a huff, glancing at the golden pocketwatch he pulled from his breast pocket. With that, he bustled away down the street.

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The Adventures of the Sulky Slut – Part 7

Part 7

“What are your rates?” asked the grizzled old woman manning the corndog station.

“Excuse me?” Nole said, through a bite of corndog.

The woman indicated Nole’s questionably-labelled t-shirt. “What are your rates?” she asked again, this time with a crude leer. Nole gagged on his corndog, and spit out the mouthful.

“Hey!” said the waste droid nearby. His head fell dejectedly as he moved to sweep up the spat-out food.

“I don’t want to know what you were thinking, but I am the Captain of a merchant ship, madam,” Nole said with a noble tone to his voice.

“Aw… that’s a shame. I woulda paid nicely,” she said, winking.

Nole gagged again, and the woman cackled.

“Merchant ship, eh?” she said. “I used to be in that business, myself. Had the prettiest ship you ever seen. Course, that was before the war.”

“What war?”

The woman stared blankly at him for a second, then continued. “She was called the Heart’s Desire. We had many a fine run together, me and her.”

“She and I.”

“Eh?”

“Nevermind.”

“Say, you know, if you’re interested… I’ve got a business friend who’s in need of a merchant ship,” the woman said, leaning close and peering around suspiciously. Her frazzled gray hair brushed over the corndogs in front of her, and if Nole had seen, he would have gagged again.

Ever the keen businessman, Nole accepted immediately. Of course, he would normally have consulted Alena first, but under the sway of the heady scent of corndogs being made, he was like putty in the old woman’s hand.

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The Adventures of the Sulky Slut – Part 6

Part 6

“Oh. My. God. Corndogs! I thought these had been banned! I haven’t seen one of these in years,” Nole said through a mouthful. He and the crew of the Sulky Slut strolled down one of the main avenues on Port Europa, pushing through scattered crowds of tourists. Merchandise of all kinds, mostly of terrible quality, sat on display on bright carts along the road. Gray, squat buildings lined the street, covered in ugly advertisements, neon banners, and streamers.

Senys scrolled down the screen of his tablet. “The welcome guide says that corndogs are one of the top five exports of the Europan economy. Wait, that can’t be right…” he said, furrowing his eyebrows as he reread the section. Concentrating, he murmured to himself as he read: corndogs are one of the top five exports.

“At least that explains the smell,” said Logan, the ship’s security guard. He grinned, flashing his pearly whites as the crew laughed.

Nole frowned, unamused. Fresh corndogs for breakfast were, so far, the highlight of the trip for him. He finished off his third, taking a moment to gnaw the hardened breading off the stick before flicking it at a gleaming waste droid sweeping the street.

“Hey!” the droid said, then turned sadly back to his work and swept up the stick.

“Shirts! Get ya shirts here! Division Day shirts! Custom shirts made to order on the spot!” a street vendor with one eye cried nearby.

“Wait here, guys,” Nole said to the crew, then walked to the shirt vendor’s stand. After a few minutes, he returned with an armful of white t-shirts. “I got custom made shirts fresh out of the printer for all of us!” he said excitedly. “So we can match!”

He handed the shirts out. When they held them up, most of the crew sported looks of horror. Seeing the thrilled look on their captain’s face, they sighed and pulled the shirts on over what they already had on. Blazed across the front of the shirts, in bold black letters, were the words SULKY SLUT.

“Alright guys. You go on out and have fun today. Meet me at the bar we passed on the way in at 1900!” Nole said. The crew nodded, said goodbye, and wandered off down the street. Nole watched them go for a moment, then turned around to find the corndog vendor again.

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The Adventures of the Sulky Slut – Part 5

Part 5

“Geez, this place is really packed today, isn’t it?” Nole said as the Sulky Slut cruised through the lanes of Parking Lot K on the south side of Port Europa. Bright billboards lined either side of the huge deck, where dozens of midsized ships were parked, from chrome-plated pleasure cruisers to RV-like family starwagons covered in bumper stickers.

“Well, when we paid for our parking, the Slut‘s computer downloaded a pamphlet about things to do and see in the Port,” Chase said, clicking through the pamphlet on his computer screen. “Says here, today is Division Day. All these ships must be here for the celebrations.”

“Ah, yes, division: the most hallowed of mathematical operations,” Nole said with an air of ceremony.

“Uh, no, not division. Division from Sultaives. Today is the fifteenth anniversary of the Europan citizens’ cessation from Sultaives Station. They have parades and fireworks and everything today.”

“But weren’t they kicked out?” Alena said from her place by the coffeemaker. “For being lawless hooligans?”

“Generally, yes, that’s how the story goes, just don’t say that to a Europan,” Chase answered.

Nole nodded. “So… they’re like the rednecks of space.”

Chase shook his head. “Nope. Don’t say that either.”

“Ugh, fine, Mr. PC. The country music lovers of space.”

“Hey, I like country music,” Alena said, crossing her arms.

“Really? Hm. Well, you can be our diplomatic representative to the redne- excuse me- country music lovers of Port Europa. Oh, there’s a spot! Get it! Right there! Get it now!” Nole said as he pointed excitedly.

Chase repressed a sigh and pulled the Sulky Slut into the parking spot.

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The Adventures of the Sulky Slut – Part 4

Part 4

A few hours later, the Sulky Slut pulled out of hyperspace. Before it, mighty Jupiter loomed against the star-strewn blanket of space. Most of the crew had awakened at that point, and were huddled in the dining hall over steaming cups of coffee and day-old bagels.

After breakfast, the crew went to the bridge, where they had been directed to gather via neon-colored notes taped to their doors while they were sleeping. Captain Nole Tachora stood at the viewport in his usual dramatic fashion, hands clasped behind his back as he looked out onto the huge planet filling the window. The tiny black shape of Sultaives Station hovered in the distance above the outer atmosphere of Jupiter.

The crew staggered in, yawning as they went. Chase, one of the ship’s engineers, came up beside Nole and looked out on Jupiter. “They’re amazing things, gas giants,” he said.

“You’re a gas giant,” Nole said automatically, never taking his gaze off the stormy planet below. Chase gaped silently for a moment, then turned and walked back to join the crew behind him.

Nole turned around. “I wanted to gather you all here to speak to you for a moment before we head to our destination today. Now, I realize I’ve been a little harsh lately, and I know I can’t be the easiest guy to work under sometimes.”

Yentz, one of the cargo workers, muttered something under his breath, causing a ripple of muffled laughter to course through the people beside him.

Nole pointed to the door. “You. Out. You get to stay on the ship today.”

“We’re getting off the ship?” one of the crewmembers asked.

Nole let out a tense sigh. “Now see, Yentz, you made me ruin the surprise. Get out of here — go feed my fish or something. Out.”

Yentz left the bridge, relieved that he would actually get to be alone on the ship for once. His crochet habit had suffered as of late because of interruptions and distractions.

Nole turned back to his crew. “We’re going someplace magical today. A land of plenty, where there are all-you-can-eat buffets, casinos, hookers of all shapes and sizes, and even those street entertainers who pretend to be statues!”

Senys, the ship’s maintenance guy, nodded and grinned, while others groaned quietly.

“My friends, I am giving you the day off to relax and unwind in Port Europa!”

“Aw, yeah!” said Senys, and he went to high-five the cargo worker beside him. The man ignored him, and so he played it off by scratching his beard.

“This is my way of saying to you, ‘please forgive me for being an ass, I want you to go enjoy yourselves, so here’s a bonus for you all to go out and spend however you want to, completely on me, and I promise to try to be a better captain in the future’. Alright?” Nole said.

The crew perked up at the mention of the bonuses they would be receiving for the day’s excursion, and cheered and clapped, despite the fact that Port Europa was one of the worst-rated travel destinations in the system.

“Okay! Now let’s get this ship down to Europa!” Nole said, and turned back to the viewport as the bridge crew hurried to their stations.

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The Adventures of the Sulky Slut – Part 3

Part 3

That night, the crew settled in to dinner in the chow hall. Ten men and women clustered around tables and lounge sets, talking and laughing over their plates. The cook, a swarthy man, heaped spaghetti onto a plate emblazoned with a picture of Captain Nole Tachora’s face just as the captain strode into the lowlit room.

“God, why is everything always so dark around here? This isn’t the freaking Nostromo, people,” he said, and palmed the dimmer beside the door. The lights brightened to a horrifying intensity, evoking squeals of protest from the blinded crew. Nole flailed for the control, found it, and dimmed it again. There appeared to be no middle ground in the controls.

“You said you’d get that fixed last month,” a tall, bearded man named Senys said, blinking the lingering brightness out of his vision.

“Wait, isn’t that what you do?” Nole asked.

“Oh… yeah… I’ll get right on that tomorrow,” Senys replied, becoming suddenly interested in his spaghetti.

“Well, I like it. It adds atmosphere,” said a perky young woman, Tera. A few nodded their agreement.

Nole rolled his eyes. Taking his plate, he started to walk back out of the room. He normally dined alone in his quarters; he told his crew he read things like 1984 and Moby Dick over dinner. However, unbeknownst to him, his crew knew that he was really watching cat videos and shark attacks on YouTube.

He stopped, realizing that he hadn’t dined with his crew in a while. Scanning the tables, he saw that Alena sat at a full table. Damn, he thought, and settled for the empty chair beside Tera. She smiled at him, and he smiled back briefly as he turned his head to peek at Alena. The blond young man beside her, Logan, was sitting much too close for Nole’s comfort.

Talk resumed amongst the crew. Tera chatted her pretty little head off to Nole, apparently quite pleased that he had graced her with his presence. He blanked out as well as he could, nodding and saying, “Mm-hmm” at regular intervals, while trying to eavesdrop on Alena and Logan. The sight of them chatting so intimately made him lose his appetite, but he ate all his spaghetti anyway — only because he liked seeing his own face grinning up at him from the middle of his plate.

After dinner, Nole bade an early goodnight to his crew and retired to his quarters. “Gotta finish Metamorphosis,” he told them. When he got to his room, though, he went straight to his computer and searched “cat riding roomba”.

Two hours and one hundred and eighteen cat videos later, he went to bed.

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The Adventures of the Sulky Slut – Part 2

Part 2

“I’ve taken all your poison darts away, Nole,” said Alena Huntsman, executive officer of the Sulky Slut. She pressed a red button, and watched out of the cargo control viewport as the encapsulated body of Lieutenant Lanier ejected into space. “Those capsules are costing us far too much.”

“What?” Nole asked from behind her. “Now how am I supposed to discipline the crew?”

“You’re lucky they love you so much, for whatever reason that may be. If anyone else treated their crew the way you do, they’d have a mutiny on their hands.”

“Well, they don’t call me the beloved leader for nothing, my dear.”

“Who calls you that?” she asked as she turned around.

“Hm? Wait, they don’t call me that?” he said, furrowing his eyebrows.

Alena smirked, then walked away from the viewport towards Nole. In the darkness of space, the capsule containing James Lanier travelled far and fast to worlds unknown.

She stopped by Nole, who was bent over, tapping fish flakes into the murky tank in which his bug-eyed goldfish lived. The fish, a decrepit little thing with a bothersome knack for survival, snapped up the offering from its god.

“Remind me, why do you keep that thing down here?” she asked, frowning at the mucus-slicked fish.

“Well, I had him in my quarters at first, but then he started giving me the creeps after a while,” Nole said. He tucked the can of flakes away in a cabinet, then motioned to the elevator door. “After you.”

Alena smiled thinly as she walked to the elevator, its doors retracting at her approach. Nole followed her inside, and stood as close to her as politely possible. Leaning over, he breathed in the scent of her auburn hair.

Both flattered and perturbed, Alena cleared her throat. “Now, about this Jupiter business. You’ve clearly forgotten that the Jupiterean Council has explicitly forbidden you from setting foot on Sultaives Station again. In fact, if I recall their ruling correctly, they promised to shoot you on sight.”

“Oh, you know that was just a slap on the wrist, Alena. Anyway, I never said we were going back to Sultaives,” he said with a mischievous grin.

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Note – I’ve decided to make this story a daily updated serial! New parts will be added to the story Monday-Friday. I hope you enjoy!

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The Adventures of the Sulky Slut – Part 1

I wrote this today, purely for fun, and only for myself. I liked it so much, I wanted to share it! I do believe this will now become a serial story I’ll write for my blog. Without further ado, I present to you:

The Adventures of the Sulky Slut
Part 1

On the far side of the Solar System, Nole Tachora strode onto the command deck of his least favorite space cruiser, the Sulky Slut. All around him were the shadowed faces of his crew, splashed with blue and red light from their consoles.

Nole walked up behind a young man with buzzed hair. The man stared at his screen, the colors of Angry Birds playing over his model-worthy features. He launched another bird at the offending pigs and swore under his breath, completely unaware of his captain’s presence behind him. The silent crew watched, wide-eyed, from behind their consoles.

Lieutenant Lanier, Nole recalled. A fine young man. He leaned over the man’s shoulder, and whispered, “Try adjusting the trajectory down a degree or so, Lieutenant.”

The man gasped as he realized his folly. “Captain Tachora! I-“

Nole laughed, patted the man on the back, then, stabbed a poison-tipped dart into the side of his neck. The young man stiffened, gurgled, then slumped over his keyboard — dead. Before Nole walked away, he used the man’s final bird to defeat the queen pig.

With a smirk of victory on his face, Nole walked to the viewport at the front of the command deck. All the crew around him busied themselves; none dared to look up at their captain until he had passed them.

An uncountable swath of stars twinkled in the void beyond the viewport. Nole brooded at the glass for a long moment, his hands clasped behind his back. Finally, he turned to his crew, the light of adventure in his eyes.

“Turn this Slut around, boys. We’re going to Jupiter.”

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